Fell On Black Days

First, a photo of my Sunday evening dinner.

Onigiri, flavored with the most divine ume (plum) flavored sesame seeds, with sheets of nori to wrap around each one, a miso of kabocha, mushrooms, tofu, and negi (green onion). Enjoyed with a simple green tea, and Brad Mehldau’s Art Of The Trio Vol. 3: Songs. Very simple and tasty.

Monday morning I had a fantastic meditation, and an insight into impermanence that will make a good lecture/workshop. I borrowed Eri’s bike to get to my morning Kyoto class. I taught about spanda, and was happy to have many questions after, which Kumiko and Melissa helped translate. First, Tokiko had a knee issue we addressed, then Asuka had a question about head placement and gaze in bakasana, and Mokoto asked for more insight into the nature of pulsation (myakudou). This was the most questions following a class I have had in Japan, and I was delighted to answer each one to the best of my ability.

I left class on a high. Outside the classroom, Momoe handed me a letter from Tim. It was not good. I decided I needed to read it outside, so I biked over to the Kamogawa to sit down at the riverbank. Tim had taken the time to meticulously and carefully address my unskillfulness in residing at his place. I felt the pit of my stomach drop, and my heart contract. What Tim had written about my time at his place was true. I had been so engulfed in teaching in another language, finding a place to live, and navigating the myriad challenges that arose along the way, that I had neglected many aspects of being a good guest. Though I had bought food, cooked several times, and thanked him continuously for his assistance, I had not overtly offered any restitution. I had planned to get him a gift once I got paid, and also to take him and his fiance, Maya, out for a nice dinner. However, I hadn’t made these intentions clear to him, and so he rightly supposed that I was not really showing my gratitude in full. It was inexcusable. I am in the process of making amends, and hope I can salvage our friendship.

In addition to this hard insight, Eri has received word from Yamaguchi-san of Choei (the apartment rental company) that he is trying to cancel my contract. This means I could get all of the money I put in back. “Could” is the operative word. I thought it was a done deal after our meeting, but it looks like I “could” be out 127,660 yen, which was all I had here until my first paycheck.

I am also dealing with Studio Yoggy in a very interesting turn of events. Japan is sometimes referred to as the “Gift Culture”. When someone does a favor for you, they expect a gift in return, acknowledging the favor. It is not good enough to show gratitude with words. There has to be a material object of some sort. I have not been following that protocol, and now have to convene a meeting of every member of the staff of Yoggy to try to explain my lack of knowledge and skill in this area. Once again, I was already planning on purchasing something for each of the four women who assisted me with the apartment hunt, but I have not been paid yet. I’m now wondering who else I may have overlooked.

Apartment. House money. Tim. Yoggy.

I suddenly realized that almost all of these issues arise from a particular form of mind animal, chained to a wall in the very far recesses of the cave of my consciousness. Its name is Scarcity. This is a mind animal I haven’t experienced in a long time. Here, though, it has been given ample room to grow. Between my lack of funds, borrowing of money from different sources, and all of my savings now held in the precarious hands of an institution that has proven, so far, to be untrustworthy, I really shouldn’t be surprised.

Thank the Goddess for Eri. She and I dialogued on the phone at length about what I need to do to show my intentions are good to the Yoggy staff. I spent two hours Monday composing letters of gratitude. Tomorrow, they will be translated into Japanese by Eri, then copied by hand by me. I hope to deliver them all by Wednesday.

After the letter writing, I decided to transcribe a bit of a Paul teleconference. The universe speaks in so many ways, and tonight, it was through Paul. At one point, Paul said, “No matter what time it is, there is always a grace period.” He was speaking in reference to our studies, and added, that “...there is time and grace and an abundance of possibility that ‘I can continue what I need to do’ even if there is a lag or a lapse...more abundance is there, more possibility is there”. It was just what I needed to hear. Those words helped me release the contraction of my heart. I know that I have made some mistakes, but there is always the possibility to make amends. There is always the possibility for things to shift out of a contractive state into an expansive state.

Eri called to say that she was a bit worried about me, and decided to return this evening instead of tomorrow. I made dinner for the two of us; salmon, left over miso and onigiri and was greatly comforted by her presence.